Sometimes I have no patience. Other times, what appears to be patience is actually indifference. I’ve spent years of my life pining away for a child. When I was 11, I started making lists of baby names that I liked. When I was 17 and my period was late, I took not one, but 3 pregnancy tests, and when my period came (only) 4 days late, I was a little sad. What I now know to be PCOS has caused my period to be late or non-existent many, many times over. I couldn’t tell you how many sticks I’ve peed on over the years, anxious and unsure whether I wanted it to be positive or negative.
However, now that we’re actually trying and I’m on day 36 of my cycle, I haven’t so much as glanced at the drawer full of tests. I’m thinking maybe I’ll take one tomorrow, but I highly doubt it will be positive and don’t really want to waste a test or my energy hoping. I’m still not even sure I ovulated, either 18 days ago like originally thought, or any time after that. I feel the changes in my body from the metformin, but I’m not sure if it’s enough. I’m thinking I might need to add some therapies, such as cinnamon or Vitex. My next appointment with my RE is the 1st of October, so I’m hoping either my body does something by then, or she’ll up my dose of the Met to 2000mg. And maybe give me some Clomid.
About the clomid, actually. I’m so hesitant on it. My mom tried it for awhile when I was a kid, and apparently it turned her into a complete nutcase, so she quit trying. I’m also pretty afraid of multiples. Not that I don’t secretly want twins, I think a lot of women do. But we could not afford to have twins (or more!) right now, among other reasons. On the other hand, I want to be pregnant, like, months ago. At this point I’m willing to do (almost) anything to get pregnant. So I just don’t know!
Also, I’m worried that she won’t give me anything extra until I get my weight down some more. I just can’t do it! It’s like, impossible for me to lose weight.
Oh, and another fear! What if it doesn’t work? What if she ups my metformin, and gives me clomid, and I lose weight, and I still can’t get pregnant (or even ovulate!)? I’m so afraid of moving on to that next level of infertility, and I just don’t want to do it. I’ve seen people go through it, and it’s not pretty. Never mind the emotional effects; we couldn’t afford to move on to other options. Our healthcare doesn’t cover anything (not even fertility testing!), and our savings are meager. We would be stuck in this void of not really trying, but not-not trying, working overtime and second jobs to scrimp pennies so that some day, when we’re, like, 40, we could afford a one-shot go at either IVF or adoption.
I now find myself a bit ambivalent about the whole thing. I haven’t been great about temping lately, or checking my crotch every time I pee. I guess I know that I can’t get myself worked up about it too much, for fear that I will only be let down. I guess I’ve been NOT trying for so long, it seems really bizarre to me to actually be trying. I feel like I’m in an alternate universe.
And yet, I have little thoughts out of nowhere sometimes. Like this morning, I was letting my coworker know that I’d be taking a day in November off for my little brother’s college graduation, and in the back of my head I thought, I could be pregnant by then. Then I was like, what the hell was that? Why does my brain play tricks on me like that?
