I just found out that a good friend of mine here at work was pregnant. Was. She was 10 weeks, went to the Dr. for something else, and they asked if she wanted to hear the heartbeat. The heart beat wasn’t there. The ultrasound showed a six-week gestational sac. She’s devastated, and to make it worse, the drugs they gave her to miscarry the “products” didn’t work, so now she has to schedule a D&C.
My first emotion was gut-wrenching sympathy. I remember my miscarriage, and while it was different from hers, I’ll never forget that intense emotional and physical pain. It made me nauseous again just thinking about it. I listened to everything she said, she told me who knew and that she didn’t want anyone else to know, and I told her that I was here if there was anything she needed, either for personal or for work.
My second emotion, once I sat back at my desk, was anger. First, I was angry that she hadn’t told me sooner that she was pregnant. She was number 2 on my list of people to tell once I get pregnant. That obviously has to change now, but not because she did it to me. It’s more because she’s gone through this miscarriage, and it would be too painful for me to tell her now, assuming I get pregnant within the next year. But I hate being left out, and I wish she had told me sooner. She told me that she didn’t tell me sooner because she knew about me being infertile and all that, and she didn’t want to upset me.
Then there was more anger, but of a different kind. She wasn’t even trying to get pregnant. Her BF is ready for kids, but she’s not quite yet. They just bought a house together, and were planning on waiting about another year before trying. But she got pregnant anyways. I want to get pregnant, damn it!
Now I’m just sad. I’m sad for me, and I’m sad for her. It’s an awful thing to go through. And I feel bad that I can’t help but feel sorry for myself when all I should be feeling is concern for her.
